Hey Axl, take me down to: |
All Da Other Shit Y'All |
SUNSET JUNCTION: 2001 or Where did my $100 go? Yes, it's that time of the year again. The annual Sunset Junction Street Fair flamed it's way into the hearts and wallets of a record setting 500 billion attendees (20 of them being straight) this year. The hot pavement on Sunset Blvd. along Fountain to wherever the fuck it ends, was packed tighter than fudge in my butt. The best part of the two day event was: The Flash Express (Brian Waters was sporting the Brian "AC/DC" Johnson leather pimp daddy cap, schooowww!), buying comfortable sandals at a 97cent store after my 6" wedge heels couldn't cut the moostard, Corey Parks telling me I was rock'n'roll for brandishing my hickey (pimpn' ain't easy), revelling in the freaky scene, eating a yummy falafel sandwich (go Las Vegans!), standing under a hand written proclaimation of "Single and Gay" for over half an hour until someone finally pointed it out to me (To: My Buddies- Thanks a lot facefucks!), the watermelon punch, Tim From Pomona eating corn, Gabe from the Starvations with his 5 Deadly DrinksList (Nighttrain, Thunderbird, Cisco, Everclear, 151, might I also add Uzo), The Fuse guy and his fresh battle scars, Bob Cantu, The Dagons people and ice cubes. Everybody was just too fab-u-lous for words. The worst part: The bathrooms ( I was smart enough to go to Yoshinoya), the HEAT and I mean it was HOT, the walking (aren't we far enough into the future to have people movers everywhere?), Pigmy Love Circus (why bother to suck more when you sucked a long time ago?), Vaginal Creme Davis out of drag with the meanest beer gut and plumber's crack ever, inflated prices, some of the ugliest people in the world wearing the tiniest things, Grey Wolf (the black dude with the halter top of grey chest hairs), the Steroid packs ( if you were there, you would know what I mean, I don't care to elaborate.) That's it for now. See you next year when we set up a booth at next year's Sunset Junction where we willdye your body hair for free, serve you overpriced bottles of Cisco and Nighttrain, outfit you in assless leather chaps, parade you around with fat drag queens and make you complete a "Silverlake" triatholon, which consists of walking for days looking for good coffee after you drink yourself silly the night before, getting a blowjob from your former school vice-principal at The Short Stop, 400 Bar or Le Bar. |
Hey Axl, take me down to: |
The Las Vegas Shakedown Packing List: We know it's difficult for us busy garage rockers to pack when we have a bazillion other things on our mind like, why did the turntable stop doing that cool automatic return thing and which belt should I wear, the bondage or the 3 row studs? We here at Struts Magazine sympathize with your plight. So don't think about it, just throw these items in your thrift store luggage and get movin': MEN: Hair grease (Crown Royal or Murray's), flask (just in case you run out of booze money), dark denim jeans with cuffs, studded belt or cowboy belt with huge obnoxious buckle, 70's novelty tight t-shirts, 80's ironic metal t-shirt, 4 pairs of boxers, 4 pairs of socks, 4 wife beaters, 2 "dressy" shirts with some obnoxious print or shiny fabric or cowboy motif or a shiny cowboy shirt with some obnoxious print, (if you're into '77 punk or power pop) skinny tie, dark sunglasses, a grip of condoms, a bottle of Jack, Wild Turkey, or Maker's Mark, deodorant (please don't forget), shaving creme and razor, toothbrush and toothpaste (go all out and grab the mini Scope and floss), dandruff shampoo, a pair of boots, a pair of Chuck Taylors and a pair of dressy shoes, portable record player, denim jacket with obscure punk band pins, a box of rare garage rock singles (you'll cry when they get jacked), cigarettes and the "cool" Zippo, herpes medication (if you're ailing), the day after pill (just in case), ruffies (just in case too, but only if it's an emergency), wrist accesory (be it those studded bands or terry bands), aspirin, Binaca, cheap cologne optional. WOMEN: hairdryer (because the cheap hotels don't have them), makeup bag (stuffed with all the war paint), 2 bottles of perfume (one for day and one for night), hair spray, gel or mousse (or all three for the hyper-groomed), 5 pairs of panties, 2 pairs of fishnets, 2 pairs of retro ankle socks, 2 pairs of striped or textured tights, 3 pairs of cotton socks, a pair of sexy boots, a pair of "fuck me"shoes, a pair of Chuck Taylor's (for comfort), a pair of platform sandals, curling iron, cleanser, toner, lotion, night creme, sunscreen, a slutty dress, a cheap gown, ripped top, mini skirt, tight pants, plaid micro kilt, tight t-shirts, a bustier that hold in that beer gut, a girdle that holds in that beer gut, a rhinestone or spike choker, spike or stud leather bands, tacky rings, denim jacket with not-so-obscure punk band pins, 5 bras, anti-perspirant/deodorant, toothbrush, hair brush, cosmetics brushes, toothpaste with cinnamon flavor (hot BJ action), condoms, Mycelex, FDS, Vagasil, Astroglide with spermacide, Summer's Eve portable, pantiliners, OB tampons, shampoo and conditioner, leave in conditioner, shine serum, curling iron or straightening iron, aspirin, Midol, fruity smelling lotion from Victoria's Secret or Bath and Body Works, a day purse and a night purse, first aid kit, flashlight, spare towels, sexy lingerie ( just in case), ruffies ( just in case, only for emergency use), Dad's American Express card, glitter gel, hair bands and clips, a Teengenerate t-shirt for sleeping (the one your ex-boyfriend "left" behind), facial masque, makeup remover cloths (in case you come back to your room completely wrecked and you don't want to wash your face), blotting papers, pens and cute little pieces of paper (for cute guys that ask for your number), Sailor Moon or leopard print organizer, bottle of Skky Citrus or Stoli Vanilla, herpes medicine (if you're ailing), false eyelashes and glue, pumice foot stone, peppermint foot lotion, witchcraft love spell oil, 3 shades of nail polish, 2 pairs of sunglasses, day after pill, home pregnancy test, cell phone, gawdy earrings, diet bars, Slim Fast shakes to go... Did we forget anything???? |
Why Don't You Have This Yet??? Sebastian Laminates Shampoo and Conditioner We like to feature products we like to use and abuse and this month we're hearlding the benefits of this wonder shampoo and conditioner, because it repairs the use and abuse of hair follicles. Struts Slut Annie went to NYC with her fashion designer boss to check out the shows and she was nice enough to bring us goodie bags filled with cool stuff like this here Laminates haircare crap. I tested it out and found it really did smooth out my hair, but I'm Asian which means I could wash my hair with dishwashing soap and it would still come out shiny smooth. The real test was on Mr. Choountypants who has fried his hair to a tempura crisp. He loves the stuff and uses it everytime he gets a chance to. Now if we can just surgically remove him from the shower... |
The Style Icon of The Month |
Give Him The Gift He Wants This Year... Yes, the Struts Sluts date musicians- big deal, everyone else does too. So what do you get Mr. Rock Star Wannabe for X-mas? Here's a few suggestions for those who don't have a clue where to begin: 1. Gift certificate for free STD screenings every 4 months of the upcoming year. 2. A calling card with 1000 minutes. (So he has no excuse as to why he can't call you from the road) 3. A good pair of leather or bondage pants. 4. Bedhead hairstyling products because they have appropriate names for (him, er, I meant) products like "Dumb Blonde", "Hard Head", etc. 5. Gift certificate for free lap dances at Jumbo's Clown Room. (That's where he hangs out when he's NOT with YOU) 6. A Teenage Head single. 7. Joan Jett buttons. 8. A new case for his instrument (you handle this one however the hell you want to)... 9. A free membership to your Blowjob of the Month club which will entitle him to a free BJ at anytime of the month! How generous is that??? 10. La Mer, Sisley, or some other pricey wrinkle cream- let's face it he's worried about those little lines more than you. |
Why Don't You Have This Yet, Again Cover Girl Outlast Lipstick |
Yes, Strutters we love our Plastic Shine lipgloss in Red Cheer and 5S Color Stick in 520 (the ultimate pure red) but these lovely designer lipsticks aren't recommended if you're caught in a discreet kissing situation. They're great if you're out to mark your territory with a Morgana lip imprint on Mr. Band Dude ( y'all other hoes better recognize) but other than that they're not made for surviving an after party, a Midnight burrito, or even a couple of Budweisers at the club. What's a Strut Slut to do??? Well, we've put this semi-permanent lipstain through our strenuous, ultrademanding field test and we've found that it really does promise to stay on your lips. It's super easy to use and it starts off with a typical gloss texture then dries to an impermeable dry shield of fantastic color. You simply apply it with the foam tipped wand, let it set for about a minute, then apply the enclosed moisture/ gloss stick for the ultimate wet look. It wears on and on through the ragin' kegger, kisses to your boyfriend before he hits the stage, kisses to your boyfriend after he gets off stage, ice cream cones, grande vanilla lattes, and even oral sex! Yes, this lipstick is BLOWJOB PROOF! The moisture/ gloss stick can also double as a lid gloss to give your eye that modern wet sheen that's oh so chic with scores of black eyeliner. And best of you get all this for under $10! Available at drug and discount stores everywhere. UPDATE: One Strutter wrote in to say this don't work fo' shit. Now I know we got some freaky deaky readers out there but I swear, either I'm not sucking dick right or you'll are giving out some TOUGH head! Hooray for Struts Sluts everywhere! |
How To Survive While Your Boyfriend Goes On Tour: Or Why Did I Stop Seeing My Therapist??? Alright my ladies, hear me out. The men- those zany rock'n'roll men- they go on tour and what do we do? We sit around and mope and try not to think of all the bootie they are getting on the road (road ass). Meanwhile we sit around the house in our mau maus and try to do those butt clenching exercises on the couch while watching and shamefully identifying with yet another King Of the Hill rerun, trying to divert the rapid expansion of our (home) ass. Road Ass vs. Home Ass. We weigh the advatanges and disadvantages in our minds and think, "Why do those guys even bother to come home???" My sisters, what you have to realize is that Struts Sluts never say die and we defy any man to leave us! That's right girls, we take charge because we have to poonanny the fellas dream about while drooling onto their leather jackets napping in the stinky van. Carefully consider if you will: 1. New poon is scary poon- Yes, men love the poon but if they've never smelled the poon, touched the poon, licked the poon, fucked the poon then that poon might as well belong to a hairy flea infested feral wildebeast. Men are just as scared of disease and cooties as we are. Take note which cities have ex-girlfriends inhabiting them and make sure your spies are in position or try to get your ass over there just in case. You don't want them to visit the nappy dugout of last year's championship team. 2. Let's face it, the rest of America is pretty much a bunch of fat ugly people. Watch Jerry Springer if you don't believe me. 3. So what?!?! That's right, so fucking what if they decide to exercise poor judgement and do the nasty with some skank. Let him go, he wasn't the one. The next morning go straight to the pawn shop and sell everything he left behind. 4. Making out with whores is considered cheating- so is blowjobs in the van, "taking the convertible for a spin" , licking nipples, eating coochie, exchanging phone numbers, picking zits, looking furtively across the room and even sucking dongs (in that case, you have no other choice but to run far away from him as possible unless you're into that stuff, just make sure everyone's AIDS status is current). 5. Hopefully you will find one with enough backbone to tell you if they fucked up. Then immediately follow directions on #3. 6. Don't stress- you are megafine and he loves you too. I know I had a hard time believing this the first time my dude went on tour but after it was over I realized I am a big fat dumbass. People who are truly, deeply, madly in love will not take any risk to endanger that comfortable relationship he has with you. You're the best in thing in the world to him and that's the damned truth. It also helps to remind him that you know where he lives and where he works and your brothers are involved in some sort of organized crime. Oh yeah also throw in something like, "I've got brass knucks and I ain't scared to use 'em" or "I don't know karate, I know ka-razy you little whorefucking son of a bitch!" The best thing to do is to get your posse of girlfriends together and go paint the town. Put some of that great make up on, spritz on the GOOD perfume and for Christ's sake buy yourself an outfit because you deserve it! When you look good honey, you feel damn fucking good! Get it crunk with the ladies. Dance the night away. Rock it, don't stop it! Next thing you know, Mr. Rock Dude is back in your arms and between your legs as he rightfully should be. |
WHY DON'T YOU GET THIS TOO |
You're in your twenties. You're stopped getting those Pacific Ocean "Ring of Fire" zit chains on your face. You need Sun Protection because you don't want to look like Bridgette Bardot does now. Foundation is too cakey, powder alone does not cut it so what do you reach for? I Am Rebel by those stylish Benefit gals, of course. It provides just the right hint of color to even out those hangover ruddy splotches and has the medically proven SPF15 formula to keep radiation damaged at bay. |
Watch It On Video: A Review of 24 Hour Party People By: Secretary Namella The early 90's was a grim and ugly scene for music, fashion, art and culture in general. People looked to the gaudy and tacky aspects of the 1960's for inspiration as the popularity of The B-52's soared. False eyelashes were donned en masse. CeCe Peniston had the Vidal Sassoon bob. Day-Glo reanimated just as Body Glove was starting to fold. During this time something strange happened to alternative music- it got happy. Gone were the days of gloom and doom, pasty faces and oversized black shirts. Instead ectasy was passed around at pseudo-concerts called "raves" and everyone started hugging and shit! This movement in music brought upon the sickening sounds of The Happy Mondays, The Farm, Jesus Jones, Prodigy (who weren't half bad when they started out), Inspirial Carpets, The Charlatans UK, E.M.F., etc. Robert Smith went into hiding and got fat by eating his worries away. Morrissey even started hanging out with Michael Stipe which was very reminescent of a modern day Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon (except they WERE homos). This electro-rave-pop-dance movement was largely responsible to a label called Factory Records situated in the Prozac beta-tesing capital of the world, Manchester. Here an enterprising musical Svengali, Tony Wilson started the whole Factory Records thing ("I like it, it's like Andy Warhol's Factory...")- making records by great depressed punks Joy Division, then New Order, etc. It follows the financial foils and artistic altitudes conquered by Factory from its early days with Joy Division glory and its demise following the misadventures of The Happy Mondays (a band to this day, I have no idea why people flipped for! Bunch of wanker fools!). The movie did no justice to the early history of Factory, a prime example would be the Ian Curtis suicide scene which was a badly fabricated fairy tale story with uses of bad chicken footage. No possible rhyme or reason was even attempted which for the grace of the dead is commendable but if you're gonna go as far as to guess what the poor sap was watching when he hung himself- Christ you might as well take it all the way! There was no mention of what came A.J.D. (After Joy Division), with the exception of a quick New Order mention (don't blink, you'll miss it) and how their record sales financed a club called the Hacienda which was a clubland version of the Hindenburg (oh, the humanity!) and basically kept Factory afloat. Then came the whole Manchester rave scene which to me, should have been the end. The Hacienda was the grand daddy of hot raves and an internationally renowned place to be. The Happy Mondays did a lot of drugs and made bad music. Big fucking deal- it might as well be Cameo for all I care! ("Don't fuck with Cameo!"- editor) OK, calm down, word up! The only really good morsel of this film was the first Sex Pistols concert in Manchester where 20 odd people showed up among them members of The Buzzcocks. This kind of rich historical retelling was what I enjoyed the most. Plus, it gives you a sense that if the Sex Pistols playing in front of twenty people made such an impact to the music and art community of the world, then playing at The Smell in front of 15 people isn't so bad after all. In the end Factory Records' greatest achievement is that they never "sold out" despite a ridiculous cash offer from a London Records exec. It's such an insult that such an asshole opportunitst like Wilson could baost of not "selling out"! Then grunge came and painted soot over all the day glo happy faces. By the way, I like the Warsaw versions so much more. Oh, the humanity! |
Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five |
Ho Ho Ho! Our December Style Icon invented the game of rap and outlandish superstar flash before Andre 3000 could spit up milk, let alone spit up some rhymes. His shiznit's been smpaled by everyone in the rap scene most notably Ice Cube, Boogie Down Productions and NWA. "White Lines" signaled a comeback and cemented his role as one of rap music's forefounding legends. Enough of the music creds- looks at those outfits! These guys were tough! Remember when everyone used to dress like this? Black or white? Funkiness had no color lines back in the days. Nowadays it's all baggy clothes and hip hops guys dressing all hip hop (sic). Where are my freaks? Chains, studs, leather- I dare rap guys to start dressing like this all the time! Meanwhile, punkers keep on doin' it! |
Garage Rock Man's Shopping Guide for Their Women: You guys are silly and clueless about the art of gift giving. We sluts of the Struts can help you. Don't stand for another disappointing Xmas present that will leave you in the cold with no sex for weeks. Your woman deserves the best, now you can give her what she deserves- unless she's a total cunt that cheated on you with another more famous guy. I know someone that can make her sorry for a couple of hundred bucks... Women like perfume- get her a classy bottle like anything Chanel. Smell it first to make sure you can stand to be around the stench in a car. Women also like purses- leather, suede, canvas- whatever but it has to be designer or lese she might as well go to Ross and pick up something practical herself. Women like candles; Dipthyque or Aromatherapy of Rome- nothing chintzy like those air freshener smelling things in glass votives! And women love little electronic trinkets just like you men; a PDA to organize her life, a digital camera to capture those "moments" like when she has to pick up your barf at the park like how a dog owner scoops the poop. Does this give you guys any hints? Now go out there and shop like a woman! |